I’m a senior. A senior!
I’ve reached that age where you can’t pussyfoot around it any more. My good friend Jack Dann, who has me beat by a year or two, recently called putz on me because I could have been taking senior discounts at certain movie-theater chains for years now. I left the money on the table (luckily for me, I don’t care to witness most of the full-fare crap while it’s still projected on the screen) because I was a little shy at first. Didn’t want to blurt it out. But now that I’ve hit that magic number, somehow these days it just rolls off the tongue.
Senior, cashier at the Perot science museum in Dallas! Senior, IMAX box official! Long ago, I tried to act older in order to buy a sixpack; this morning at CVS, the pharmacist asked me for my birthdate and I wanted to kiss her for that six-bottle pack. I’m a for-real senior citizen. Dude, I have a Medicare card. What torques me now is that the young things running such cash registers don’t even bother to look up before giving me my crusty-assed discount. You can only pretend you’re 18 on the way up, homes. As Charlie Brown used to moan, AAAAUGH! (A true Senior is a guy who doesn’t wish he was 18 again; he wants a little more sophistication. 30 is just fine.)
Seniority is no longer an honorific. It’s now a demographic, because the term is everywhere. Years ago I was a Senior Editor, which is what they called me when I started editing books for Bantam in order to to make authors and agents feel like I knew more than I actually did. THE DAILY SHOW makes fun of the same syndrome by giving each and every correspondent a “Senior” designation: “Senior Black Correspondent,” etc. Anything “senior” in an academic environment gets a berth wide enough to drive trux thru.
I could have been a senior Senator 35 years ago. All you have to do is be at least thirty, win a statewide election, and wait for the lovable old hilarious coot who is your colleague to drop dead or get primaried by zealots in hisser party (as Mississippi’s Thad Cochran almost did last year). You may still be a whippersnapper, but you have now become a senior Senator. What could be easier? Elizabeth Warren — my age plus a few months — is the senior Senator from Massachusetts, but she’s only been on the job for 2 1/2 years!
Jimmy Kimmel is the senior (if that means longest-serving) late-night tv host, and he’s only 47. That fifty-year-old fossil Stephen Colbert will become the senior (if that means eldest) talk-show host when he assumes his post in September. This is not about white hair any more, dammit, although I’ve got a head full of it (meaning I don’t have to shave myself bald to compensate). Donald Trump is a senior, and look at that thing on his head! I prefer sticking with Mother Nature’s all-natural good hair genes.
The old kind of senior is the kind depicted in the movie GOING IN STYLE, a Marty Brest beauty from 1979, the year I couldn’t trust myself any more pace Abbie Hoffman. The new kind of senior is the guy in the Dos Equis ads. I still want you kids to keep offa my lawn, but now I bellow it with much more authority, because Ich bin ein geezer!